This is a foolish move. If you don't want to be labelled a luddite, antisocial or just plain rude, remember that all important "Reply All" button. Trust us.
Even the most dedicated clock-watcher knows that packing up and going home on the dot of 5pm is not cool. You may be playing a covert game of solitaire, but don't shut down until 5:10pm at least if you want to make friends and win boss brownie points.
If you fail to make good on your scheduled tea round you're opening yourself up to a whole world of passive aggression. Make sure you never miss your turn to avoid attracting scowls and missing out on your morning hot beverage - or worse - receiving your tea with 6 heaps of sugar in the wrong mug.
No Katy Perry, no Taylor Swift, no Ke$ha and categorically no One Direction is to be played until Friday. On Friday, however, the cheese may rain down with impunity and drive your resident workplace "museos" absolutely bananas.
Is your receptionist popping out at 11:40am? Does your colleague need to nip out at 2? It's probably a medical appointment. Do not ask. Unless of course you want to a) Invade their privacy and open up a universe of awkwardness or b) Want to hear all about Tanya from accounting's ingrowing toenail.
Holidays, other people's weddings, the weather, your colleague's new wrap dress, the range of salads available at the nearest cafe, the merits of Ryan Gosling's physique - taking part in these deep, meaningful conversations is part of office life. Opt out at your peril.
If you are, in fact, planning to spend the next two days in bed, watching an entire season of Battlestar Galactica in your pants and occasionally crying to your pet house rabbit about your recent break up, lying is imperative. Tell your colleagues you're going jet-skiing, just remember to have a story for Monday morning's round of: "How was your weekend?".
Curry - no. Yesterday's Chinese takeaway - no. Anything containing fish - a whole world of no. Do not be the person with the smelly lunch, you will soon become an object of revulsion.
In every office there will be a "baker". And every week or two, they will bring their creations in for the office to enjoy. You will show great enthusiasm about the baked treat and you will eat a slice whether you like cake or not. It's either that or fake a gluten intolerance. Except then you may be forced to eat polenta cake...
It's all part of the "blue sky thinking" which your office "thought leaders" are so keen to promote "going forward". Whether you're "managing expectations" or delivering a project by "EOP", you'll need to engage with the office lingo. When you're finally "OOO", you can become a normal human again.